SEC Staff Search For Gary Gensler Under Huge Pile Of Salt

While the regulator's Chair has not been seen, Peter Schiff has now been recovered from the mound of sodium chloride.

How upset is Gary, and how many people care?

SEC employees are growing increasingly concerned for Chair Gensler, who disappeared yesterday following the agency's approval of spot Bitcoin ETFs. Gensler's last known action was to post a message on the SEC website, titled: "Statement On The Approval Of Spot Bitcoin Exchange-Traded Products".

Since then, the SEC's Chair has not been seen. However, a large mound of salt has mysteriously appeared in his office, and there is some speculation he may have burrowed into it to comfort himself following the legal and reputational injuries incurred over recent months.

"I Did This Against My Will"

In the statement, Gensler runs through the process that led to the approval of the ETFs. We'll provide a brief summary translation:

  1. We just approved spot Bitcoin ETFs.
  2. We were shotgunned into this.
  3. We operate within the law and the law basically told us we had to do this.
  4. That's not our fault and we were right to deny them in the past, but we didn't explain our reasoning well enough for the courts to understand.
  5. We were still right though, ok?
  6. Just because we approved bitcoin ETFs doesn't mean we'll be approving crypto asset securities ETFs.
  7. Yeah, we called them "securities". Deal with it.
  8. You could already buy bitcoin. What the hell is wrong with you people that you needed to drag us into this?
  9. Well at least investors will get certain protections now. Though don't assume we trust their custody arrangements. Are those lines spaced widely enough for you to read between, Coinbase?
  10. We're going to have our eye on you, bitches. Step out of line and we're coming for you.
  11. We know what we're doing. We've had a lot of practice with metals ETFs.
  12. You don't know what you're doing because bitcoin is for criminals. Also, screw you.

PS, Screw You Some More

The closing words of Gensler's statement made it very clear that he dislikes Bitcoin intensely:

Though we’re merit neutral, I’d note that the underlying assets in the metals ETPs have consumer and industrial uses, while in contrast bitcoin is primarily a speculative, volatile asset that’s also used for illicit activity including ransomware, money laundering, sanction evasion, and terrorist financing.
While we approved the listing and trading of certain spot bitcoin ETP shares today, we did not approve or endorse bitcoin. Investors should remain cautious about the myriad risks associated with bitcoin and products whose value is tied to crypto.

At the time of writing, bitcoin has stabilized above $46,000, awaiting the launch of the 11 ETFs, at which point customer funds will enter the market and be passed through to bitcoin.

Also as of time of writing, Gensler still has not been found. However, after moving almost 21 million tonnes of salt, the SEC's staff did uncover Peter Schiff.


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